Finding myself stuck and at a cross-roads in my life, trying to not spend too much time looking backwards but unable to look forward, I'm wondering what I've missed.
What did I miss by not getting married? The beautiful wedding I've been planning since I was 13. The ever-changing list of wedding music I've kept in my Palm Pilot left unused. Cooking dinner for 2 every night after a long day at work. Having someone to eat with. A second paycheck. A companion to walk with along the seashore or hike up a mountain. Someone to curl up and talk with until all hours of the night. Someone to hold me when the tears are flowing. Someone to laugh with after a hard day at work. Being cheated on. Divorce.
What did I miss by not having children? The pain of giving birth. A thousand messy diapers. Colic. Runny noses. Food smeared on every surface imaginable. The pure, innocent, unconditional love of a child. First day of school. School plays and Christmas pageants. Easter egg hunts and 4th of July sparklers. Christmas mornings. Broken bones. Teenage mood swings. Trips to the principal's office. First dates. Prom. Learning to drive. Careless accidents. Worry after worry as they grow and make their own mistakes. Weddings. Daughter- or son-in-laws. Grandchildren. A legacy.
What did I miss by not having a family of my own? Holiday get-togethers. Family feuds. Hurt feelings. Petty jealousies. Family meals. Celebrations. Nieces and nephews and grandchildren and in-laws. Graduations and weddings. People who love being with each other. People who can't stand each other. Family group photos. Reunions. Funerals.
On the other hand - what did I gain by being alone? Freedom to come and go as I choose. Power over the remote control. Long naps. Peace and quiet. Tears flowing freely without embarrassment or shame. Decorating to suit my personal tastes. A craft room. Freedom to create a loving environment for my cats. Not having anyone else to clean up after (it's enough to keep up with my own clutter). Not being under anyone else's control. Solitude.
