Guilty Pleasures

I love my library. I especially love my hardbound books - those are my "important" books. Books on the lives of U.S. Presidents or other famous people in history. Books on historical events. Important books. Other books, my "fun" books, are usually paperback - John Grisham, classic novels, etc.

Every few years I count up all the books in my collection, then I count the number of those books that I've actually read and calculate the percentage. It usually hovers around a dismal 25%. Why? Because reading is a pleasure that makes me feel guilty.

I enjoy TV - a lot actually. Most of my adult life the TV has been scheduled to come on before I even wake up in the morning, turning the TV on is one of the first things I do when i get home, turning it off is one of the last things I do at night. TV serves many functions in my world. It's that "other presence" in the house. It drowns out my thoughts. It keeps things from being too quiet. It entertains me. Funny though, I never ever feel guilty having the TV on. See, from when I was little I was taught that if you're going to be watching TV "you have to have something in your hands to do at the same time." I've become the great multitasker. That "something" didn't necessarily have to be work - but it had to be something productive. I was always given a list of things I could do while the TV was on - fold laundry, straighten out a kitchen drawer, crochet, anything as long as I was doing something. In fact, NOT having something to do while the TV was on was an act that was sure to elicit an angry rebuke from my mother. So I seldom just sit and watch TV - and if I do I feel guilty. Therefore I can get a lot done while the TV is on and all seems well with the world. And somehow over the years that voice telling me to keep busy nags me now whether the TV is on or not.

So, why, I've been asking myself, is it so wrong to enjoy the pleasure of sitting down in the evening and reading a good book. I've realized its because when I'm reading I can't be doing anything else at the same time. Because I constantly compare myself to those I know who are over-achievers and uber productive so I can't just stop and do something that doesn't allow me to also accomplish something else at the same time. Reading by its very nature does not allow me to multitask. Thus reading makes me feel guilty.

But isn't finishing a book an act of accomplishment? Isn't gaining knowledge a worthy pursuit? I don't know anyone who really thinks reading is a waste of time per se. Yet, for me, it doesn't seem important enough to get beyond the status of a guilty pleasure. It just doesn't seem to accomplish enough. You can't see the end result the way you can a freshly dusted house, a load of clean laundry, a finished scrapbook, a stack of paid bills. There's so many books and so little time. They call to me from the shelves wanting to be appreciated for more than just their shiny covers. The pull just isn't strong enough to overcome that nagging childhood voice telling me I should always have something in my hands to do at the same time. And so, sadly, the books just serve as pretty decorations, objects to be admired from the corner of my eye while I watch TV and fold laundry.